The Organised Times Vol 9.10- May 2005
In this issue:
Why Women Talk and Men Don't
I had an interesting experience last week…if you have spoken to me in the past few weeks, you’ll know that I’ve sounded like I’ve had a permanent case of laryngitis. What I actually had was a cyst on my throat. It’s like a big blister and the only way to get rid of it was to cut it out. So if I wanted to speak clearly again, I had no choice than to go ahead and have microsurgery. Notice I said micro, sounds much better than surgery or operation.
In fact, the whole process was (thank goodness) totally painless, even afterwards. All I had to do was rest my voice and not speak for 48 hours! I’ll also be undertaking voice lessons to ensure I protect this valuable instrument.
Now to the men reading this, avoiding opening your mouth for that period of time would probably not bother you. However, for a female it is a very hard thing to do. We like to talk in case you hadn’t noticed.
According to research, women speak around 30,000 (that’s right guys) words a day and men (if you’re lucky) speak around 10,000. So that’s a ratio of 3:1.
Interesting, isn’t it? So how does this work in daily life?
She Says – “He just doesn’t listen”
He Says: “She talks too much”
In their best-selling books “Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps” and “Why Men, Lie and Women Cry”, Barbara and Alan Pease say:
Women Talk, Talk and Talk
" When a woman talks she often uses indirect speech. This means she hints at what she wants or infers things.
Women's indirect speech has a purpose - it builds relationships and rapport with others by avoiding aggression, confrontation or discord.
When women use indirect speech with other women there is seldom a problem - women are sensitive to picking up the real meaning. It can, however be disastrous when used on men.
Men Take Words Literally
Men use direct speech and take words literally. They find women's lack of conversational structure and purpose very disconcerting, and accuse women of not knowing what they're talking about. They respond by saying things like "What's the point here?", "Where is this conversation going?" and "What's the bottom line?"
Men then proceed to talk to a woman as if she is a mental patient or will cut her off by saying "We've been over this a dozen times", "How much longer will this take?" and "This conversation is too much hard work and isn't going anywhere!"
Indirect Talk In Business
When a woman uses indirect speech in business, it can prove problematic because men may have difficulty following a multi-tracked, indirect conversation.
Men need to be presented with clear, logical, organised ideas and information before they will make a decision. A woman can have her ideas and requests rejected purely because her male boss didn't have a clue what she really wanted.
Too Much Talking Can Waste Time And Money
I met with an accountant last year who had a chronic case of verbal diarrhoea. From the moment we met until I left, she wouldn’t stop talking. It was very difficult trying to get a word in. This was not a good way to establish rapport. No doubt she would have lost many business opportunities because of her talkative nature.
Something she was also oblivious to was the personality differences. When you look at the different personality styles, I’m the impatient type who wants to get to the point. This lady was trying to build a relationship with me and unknown to her, was doing the exact opposite…driving me away.
Through coaching I’ve learned to listen, however this woman was a shocker. I was so tired when I left…her talking wore me down. There was no way I’d ever want to see or speak to her again. Can you imagine what it would be like to be a client of hers?. Every time you’d ring her with a query, she’d take 10 times longer than necessary to answer it and you’d be paying for the privilege! I bet she’d be the most unproductive person in her business and also waste her own staff’s time because of her incessant talking.
The Final Word
Today we’ve focussed on the talking factor between men and women. Understanding your own personality style and those of others will provide you with a greater insight on how to communicate more effectively regardless of gender.
The key tips to take from this article:
Ladies – get to the point. Say exactly what you want in as few words as possible (he’s not a mind-reader). Better still prepare a brief checklist or summary for him.
Gentlemen – look like you’re listening to her. Give her your full attention. It makes her feel good to talk. She doesn’t always want you to provide a solution. If you don’t understand what she’s talking about or what she wants, then ask her directly.
And if you want to know more about the differences between men and women, invest in Alan and Barbara’s books www.peaseinternational.com. Also undertake The Powerful Personality Profile. Discover your personality style and learn how to be more effective communicating with other personalities.
Armed with the knowledge you’ll gain from these resources and of course taking action on what you know, you’ll be able to transform yourself into a powerful communicator and achieve greater results in both your work and personal life.
Have a great week
Lorraine Pirihi
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